My real addiction started in my early teens but I didn’t know I was an addict until I was with Coco. I grew up around drunks and I thought that was normal. My mom, dad, grandfather, uncles, aunts, etc all drank daily and I normalized that because in my mind that’s what adults did everyday. As I got older I figured that’s just what grownups do and I should start doing it too.
I was about 14 or 15 the first time I started experimenting with drugs and alcohol. I started thinking it was just something fun to do with my friends. When my parents found out they yelled at me and grounded me but I didn’t care too much and that did not stop me from using and drinking. Looking back I think I was genetically predisposed to addiction and addict behavior was normalized for me so I am not sure my parent’s could have stopped me when they found out. A question I get asked even now is how can I prevent my child from becoming an addict and I do not have a good answer for that question. I also think some of my childhood traumas pushed me in the wrong direction.
I continued using and drinking through my late teens, early twenties and then towards the end of my 20’s I noticed I was drinking a lot and I might have an issue. The problem was my disease was lying to me so I easily dismissed my addiction by comparing myself to others who I perceived as “worse” than me. I also justified my using and drinking by saying to myself that I am an adult and I deserve to relax after work.
When I started dating Coco there were many times I tried to stop. I would successfully do it for a few days and sometimes even a week but I always went back to it. She was the first person I had been exposed to that had never had addiction normalized for her. I actually thought she was weird because her family, friends and her weren’t always drinking or using. There were quite a few times after we were married that she tried to speak to me about how I was out of control but I didn’t listen. She was the only person in my life who had ever approached me about having a problem and a lot of times I would gaslight her and tell her she had the problem. I started hiding my use and drinking from her and lying to her because it was easier than admitting the truth. At times when I tried to stop I would have anxiety because I realized that meant going without my alcohol and substances which was terrifying. My addict brain had me convinced I needed these substances to function and live. I unfortunately never saw how much I was hurting her and our family until I got clean and sober with a clear head.
Fast forward to today I am thankful for her coming into my life. She held me accountable and had me hit my “rock bottom” which was a turning point for me. I’m thankful I am sober now for so many reasons. I feel better, I am still married to the woman I love, I still have my family, my life has changed for the better and I never thought it would be this good. Getting sober has increased my self-esteem and made me a better person.
If you’re a fellow addict like I am and you are still suffering please know there is help out there for you. Putting in work and wanting it is all you need to do and a sober life is so much better. You’re not a bad person, you have a disease which has no cure but if you put in work and don’t use, there is a better life for you.
- Turbo