The holiday season was a nightmare for me when Turbo was in his active addiction phase. I desperately tried to make the holidays nice for our children and usually Turbo would show up drunk and/or high to ruin everything. No matter how much planning and communication I put into the holidays, his addiction ruined it. For a couple years of holidays I was going through the motions to fake it enough for our children but I could not wait for the holidays to be over. Turbo got sober in May of 2020 and I was over attempting to have magical holidays. I sulked through the motions over another holiday and was thankful they weren’t as miserable as they had been in the past years. 

Fast-forward to the holiday season of 2022 and I fully understand what focusing on the here and now means. This year the holiday season was wonderful because of Turbo’s sobriety. We enjoyed things that were a nightmare before such as cooking together, looking at winter lights, wrapping presents, sitting together for meals, laughing together, and just enjoying the days. 

I could be bitter and annoyed and focus on the past holidays. They were miserable and I was so hurt but this holiday was better because he is sober. This holiday was better because he is working on his recovery and using the tools he received in his IOP. This holiday is the one I want to remember because I enjoyed it and I will choose to focus on it, not the holidays in the past. I find it hard sometimes but very necessary to be mindful about the present situation I am in with Turbo. I see his changed behavior and recognize his commitment to sobriety.

Last warning before possible spoilers. 

Maid is a show on Netflix about a woman named Alex who is trying to flee her abusive, alcoholic significant other, Sean. Alex and Sean share a daughter, Maddy, and Alex is financially dependent on Sean. Alex leaving with Maddy is complicated by multiple issues; no supportive family or friends, very low funds, lack of government assistance, and the court system not understanding Sean’s abuse of Alex and alcohol. 

Watching the TV show Maid was very triggering for me. Everyone’s relationship with an addict spouse is different but I could relate to quite a few things in the show. The first being the lack of a supportive family to run to when things got bad. My family is not unsupportive per se but they were clueless about the realities of addiction so if I had left my family would have accused me of being dramatic. Alex had a different situation than I did but my point is, not everyone has a support system to help them escape. 

The fear of leaving because of a child is also very real. As we saw in the first few episodes Alex actually lost Maddy to Sean through the courts. I have spoken to so many women who stay with an addict because of their children. They do not think a two parent household is better for a child but they are terrified of a child being sent for unsupervised visitation with an addict. It is extremely hard to collect proof of what addicts have done sometimes and even if we collected proof, it might be allowed in court. 

The gaslighting and confusion if you are not being physically abused is hard to explain. When Alex went to the shelter she was almost unsure if what she was going through was abuse. I could really relate to the confusion about abuse. When I hit my end point with Turbo I was confused about how I was being treated. The gaslighting had me questioning my version and interpretation of events that had happened while he was raging. The fact that he was able to hide the terrible behavior from our friends also had me confused about his treatment of me. On the outside Turbo was a great father and caring husband who would never hurt anyone. His version of events were slightly believed by my friends and I would hear my friend play devil’s advocate when I would explain how I was treated. Emotional abuse is also hard to prove in court so I often wondered how I would explain to anyone what I had been going through for years. Even after sobriety people often wonder how I did not see the signs or why I put up with it for so long. The judgment even after you leave or after the person gets sober can be hard to deal with for some people. 

Another issue that hit home was the mutual friends and neutral friends. I understand that my friends do not have the responsibility to mediate fights but it is rough when none of them take your abusive situation seriously. When Alex’s friends said there were two sides to every story that is typically true but not when addiction/alcoholism is involved. The addict’s version of events is usually not true because their memory is questionable and they will always spin a story that puts them in the best light possible. It is even more lonely when people treat you this way because you feel even more isolated with your abuser. 

In the show, Maddy’s birthday party also hit home for me. When you try to do something nice or fun for your child, or you find yourself in a slightly better position in life. The addict/alcoholic always manages to ruin it. It hurt when I saw Alex get evicted from a beautiful and affordable place because of Sean’s actions, I cried for her. There were so many times Turbo emptied our savings or damaged something of mine because he was drunk/high. There were so many days that I initially looked forward to such as birthdays, holidays and trips that he managed to ruin. 

In the end Alex is able to leave and head to better days and a brighter future for herself and her daughter. Sean has also realized his alcoholism is damaging to Maddy and signs over custody to Alex. I found this a bit unbelievable because addicts/alcoholics rarely admit when they are wrong and rarely admit they have a problem. I think maybe, Sean’s “rock bottom” was possibly endangering his daughter but after everything Alex had been through it seemed almost too easy in the end. 

I wish there was a second season of the show because getting away from the addict does not fix everything overnight. The addict getting sober also does not fix everything overnight. I would be interested to see the character of Alex grow and deal with the trauma that she had endured for years. I also wonder how the abuse Maddy witnessed impacted her. 

This show is wonderful and I hope it makes people more aware of addiction and abuse. I will warn anyone who has dealt with addiction that this is a very hard show to watch. 

Love,

Turbo and Coco

This might sound selfish but I did sometimes harbor bitterness towards Turbo. His addiction came before our marriage and family. During his rehab program, his rehab came before our marriage and family. Now, his on-going sobriety plans always come first. There are times I get frustrated that he gets hours away these days no matter what to work his sobriety program. His sobriety has to come before making dinner, helping get kids into bed, helping with homework, etc and while he pitches in when he can I am always aware that he needs to work his on-going program. 

Tonight was another night when our house was just off because of crazy schedules but Turbo had to leave when it was time. I got things together with the kids and tried to take some time to do something I enjoy and then I got an unexpected phone call. A family friend who is also in recovery called me tonight hysterically crying. I am not really the person he should have called but he could not reach Turbo and he needed help. His original mentor from his first home group had unfortunately accidentally overdosed and passed away. After calming him down, reminding him not to use/drink and convincing him to find a meeting we got off the phone but two things about our call really stuck with me. 

The first thing is this is a reality that could happen to my husband. He has the same disease as this person and is not immune to relapse. There is no guarantee that my husband would survive a relapse either and get a second chance, the person our friend called about did not get another chance. That person had multiple decades of sobriety and still managed to succumb to the disease of addiction. It was a good reminder for me that no matter how frustrating or inconvenient it is for me to make sure Turbo can fit his on-going recovery in our schedule, I need to do it. The same way Turbo cannot get complacent with his recovery/sobriety I cannot think he has been cured or outgrown his disease. So the small inconveniences are worth it if it means Turbo can continue his recovery from this disease. 

The second reality is how harsh addicts are judged. I understand the frustration with them first hand but when our friend called me tonight and told me why, it was another reality for me. Our friend said on the phone that I was the only person they could reach out to that would understand because “no one cares when an addict dies and no one understands being upset about an addict dying.” While I understand addicts have mothers, fathers, children, siblings, friends, etc that care about them, there is a lot of truth to what our friend said. Loved ones of addicts sometimes have to suffer in silence because of the stigma of addiction. 

We keep our struggles to ourselves or within protected circles because people judge us. We keep our sorrows and heartaches to ourselves because a lot of our feelings are dismissed or not understood. I’m so thankful for my husband’s dedication to his sobriety and his on-going programs. I am also aware that if he loses that dedication and focus then nothing stops our family from being another statistic. It would be so easy for our kids to lose their dad, and me to lose my husband. We also would not have much support because “he was just an addict.” I really hate the disease of addiction and I hate that more people do not understand it.  

My house will always be a safe place for Turbo. As of now he does not mind alcohol being in the house but if he ever said please get rid of it I would do it ASAP. I also do not typically plan to serve alcohol with holiday meals at our house. I will create some fun mocktails, but typically only offer soda, juice, and water. If I am ever elsewhere and expected to serve alcohol I always ask before pouring for someone and try to remember if someone says they do not drink. 

It is ultimately up to the addict to know their needs and limits but if I pick up on Turbo acting differently. I will ask him if he needs to hit a meeting, call some sober support, or if there is anything I can do for him. It is up to him to speak up and say yes but when he does I try to facilitate whatever support he needs at the moment. This can be switching places with him so I can take over a sport’s practice which allows him to attend a meeting. Giving him some time to step away and make a private phone call is also useful to him. If he decides he wants to talk to me I listen and try to minimize distractions so he feels heard. When he decided to become sober I committed myself to always supporting his sobriety and I think all of this goes along with supporting his sobriety and recovery. 

Turbo says some things to keep in mind if you’re an addict worried about relapse around the holiday are: 

• If an event, party, place, family, etc. is triggering you DO NOT have to attend. Some sober houses offer holiday get togethers and a sponsorship family could even put together a sober holiday party. 
• If you absolutely must attend a triggering event see if you can bring sober support. A sponsor, 12 step friend, IOP or rehab friend (assuming they are all sober) are great choices. 
• Always leave yourself a way out of a situation. A way out should be accessible and comfortable for you. You should never feel stuck in a triggering situation and if you do please immediately reach out for sober support. 
• Know your “safe sober people” and if you need to lean on them then do it immediately. Turbo uses the “sober safe people” when speaking about people who are aware he is in recovery and openly support it. This can be a friend, spouse, fellow person in recovery, etc. who happens to be at the same event. He says just knowing someone is in his corner can be a huge help.
• If you are a friend of a sober person respect their boundaries when they set them. I need to leave means they need to leave. I do not want to eat something that was cooked with alcohol means they don’t want to eat it, it does not matter if the alcohol was cooked out.

I knew deep down I was an addict before I hit rock bottom. I had lied to myself thinking I could control my drinking/using substances. In addition to that I would compare myself to addicts who treated their family worse or appeared worse off than me and rationalize my drinking/using with that comparison. Rock bottom for me was not an overdose and it was not actually losing everything, it was almost losing everything. 

A few things lead to me getting treatment and my desire for a sober life. Coco had begged me to get help for awhile and I ignored her each time or lied to her each time. The moment I hit rock bottom was when she told me our marriage was over. Looking back on that time now I was headed straight for a rock bottom which might have meant losing my life. No matter what happens in the future I will always be thankful to Coco because without her I would not have started my sober life. The lowest moment for me was hearing the recording Coco had made when I blacked out. I can honestly say without hearing myself and the realization I sounded just like my abusive step-dad, sobriety would not have happened for me. 

Rock bottom for me felt like defeat and was one of the most depressing places I have ever been in life. Once I started getting help for my issues and dealing with them I was able to get out of that dark place mentally and emotionally. 

If you’re reading this as an active addict there is help out there for you. You just need to reach out for help and be willing to do some work. It might seem overwhelming but there are people who care about you and will help you into a sober life. 

If you’re someone who loves someone in active addiction just know this is not your fault. Create boundaries with the active addict in your life for your own safety and sanity. Most importantly know the toxic behavior and treatment you have received is not something you should take personally. Coco had to learn over months that my treatment of her unfortunately came from my low self-esteem and my issues. She did nothing to deserve the treatment and neither did you. 

To be blunt living with an addict is pure H*LL. 

Thinking back on our relationship and marriage I saw warning signs of addiction in Turbo but I did not know that back then. During his active addiction life was frustrating for so many reasons. Due to him always being in an altered state of mind he never seemed to care about my feelings or needs but now I know he was just a selfish addict. I could never depend on him for anything and a lot of our day to day life and parenting fell all on me. This often frustrated me but I realized quickly for the safety of our children he could not be trusted alone with them. Turbo often blacked out and would go into fits of rage in which he would punch holes in the walls occasionally or say some of the most hurtful and nasty things to me. 

My anxiety was often out of control during Turbo’s active addiction. I was never sure which version of him was coming up the stairs and how he would act. I was hyper focused on trying to shield his toxic behavior from our children. There were many times his drunken antics in public would embarrass me. I was lucky enough to have a few good friends who really understood addiction during that time. Not everyone was understanding about addiction and plenty of people distanced themselves from me (us) because of Turbo’s behavior. I also started to distance myself from most people because it was easier that way. I would not have to explain his behavior or wonder who else would be offended or uncomfortable because of his drunk/high behavior. 

I spent a lot of time crying in the shower alone and wondering why my husband was so nasty to me. I started to question where I lacked as a wife and why I was not good enough for my husband. There were also times he blamed me for the reason he would drink/use and that really hurt. The times were not all bad but the bad times were terrible and the good times never lasted because he would always return to drinking/using. 

It is really lonely being with someone in active addiction. Even though you are not the addict your life almost revolves around their addiction. It’s not a healthy way of life or a life I would wish on anyone. When Turbo finally got help I did not think we would stay married. I wanted him to get help because he needed to get healthy and sober but I thought our relationship was beyond repair. I am really thankful his IOP therapist told me to just table everything for awhile and be his biggest cheerleader. 

The takeaways that I think might help people who are still living with addicts are:

1. Never ever take the actions of an addict personally. They have a disease and their actions are not logical or personal. I know a lot of their behavior feels like a personal attack but it is not. They’re just really that sick in the head because of their use/drinking. 

2. You do not have to put up with the actions of an addict. I know it is not easy to get up and leave but you can decide when/how/if you want to stay while they’re using/drinking.   

3. Understand that you can’t fix their addiction. Your best hope is having them deal with the consequences of their addiction and hopefully they will decide to get help. 

4. Take care of yourself (and children) the best you can if you’re with someone in active addiction. They are certainly doing everything to take care of themselves so make sure you prioritize your mental health and your physical health. 

5. Make sure you are safe. I do not want to tell anyone how to live their lives but do not get in a vehicle if someone who is not sober is driving and if you are being physically abused get help.  

I was about 14 or 15 the first time I started experimenting with drugs and alcohol. I started thinking it was just something fun to do with my friends. When my parents found out they yelled at me and grounded me but I didn’t care too much and that did not stop me from using and drinking. Looking back I think I was genetically predisposed to addiction and addict behavior was normalized for me so I am not sure my parent’s could have stopped me when they found out. A question I get asked even now is how can I prevent my child from becoming an addict and I do not have a good answer for that question. I also think some of my childhood traumas pushed me in the wrong direction. 

I continued using and drinking through my late teens, early twenties and then towards the end of my 20’s I noticed I was drinking a lot and I might have an issue. The problem was my disease was lying to me so I easily dismissed my addiction by comparing myself to others who I perceived as “worse” than me. I also justified my using and drinking by saying to myself that I am an adult and I deserve to relax after work. 

When I started dating Coco there were many times I tried to stop. I would successfully do it for a few days and sometimes even a week but I always went back to it. She was the first person I had been exposed to that had never had addiction normalized for her. I actually thought she was weird because her family, friends and her weren’t always drinking or using. There were quite a few times after we were married that she tried to speak to me about how I was out of control but I didn’t listen. She was the only person in my life who had ever approached me about having a problem and a lot of times I would gaslight her and tell her she had the problem. I started hiding my use and drinking from her and lying to her because it was easier than admitting the truth. At times when I tried to stop I would have anxiety because I realized that meant going without my alcohol and substances which was terrifying. My addict brain had me convinced I needed these substances to function and live. I unfortunately never saw how much I was hurting her and our family until I got clean and sober with a clear head. 

Fast forward to today I am thankful for her coming into my life. She held me accountable and had me hit my “rock bottom” which was a turning point for me. I’m thankful I am sober now for so many reasons. I feel better, I am still married to the woman I love, I still have my family, my life has changed for the better and I never thought it would be this good. Getting sober has increased my self-esteem and made me a better person. 

If you’re a fellow addict like I am and you are still suffering please know there is help out there for you. Putting in work and wanting it is all you need to do and a sober life is so much better. You’re not a bad person, you have a disease which has no cure but if you put in work and don’t use, there is a better life for you.

• Turbo

In the early days I did drink with him. I was fairly naive about the world and did not realize what was going on with Turbo. In my mind addicts did not have jobs, cars, a place to live, a career, etc. I am embarrassed to admit this but I thought addicts were only people who lived under bridges or in homeless tent cities. My marriage eventually gave me a reality check. 

I was raised in a fairly sheltered world of private schools, limited exposure to pop culture, and I was hyper focused on doing the right thing which meant staying away from drugs. The only addicts I was ever exposed to were the ones who had already ruined their lives or hit bottom. That led me to be blind to people who were functioning addicts or addicts in the early/middle stages of addiction. My parents also never had “real” chats with me about addiction, how it happened, how to spot it, etc. I don’t blame them for that because I am not even sure they knew the realities of addiction. Some people ask if I would have figured it out if we had dated longer and the real answer is no, because I did not know what I was looking at and never would have learned if I had not lived it.

Thinking back I cannot point to a moment when I realized “my husband is an addict.” There were many things over the years that happened such as; hiding alcohol, lying about substance use, blackouts which led to him gas lighting me, his manipulative behavior, his lying, and his unwillingness to stop using substances/stop drinking. 

Looking back maybe if I was better at setting boundaries I would have realized more red flags but I cannot drive myself crazy focusing on could have and should have moments. I have also learned to focus on the fact that addiction is a disease. My husband has a disease and the symptoms of that disease can easily cause issues in relationships. 

I am thankful today that we have been able to get to a place of healing and recovery. It was not easy and it is not always easy because dealing with someone in active addiction is miserable.

• Coco

We think an appropriate place to start is where we are now. Looking back it is amazing we made it “here” because there were a lot of times both of us wanted to give up. We were often told addiction is a family disease but I do not think either of us understood what that meant. Everyone close to a person in active addiction suffers and everyone also needs to heal from the addiction. 

Today, things are not perfect but they are better than either of us thought possible. There is life after addiction, there is even a stronger relationship after addiction, and for us there is so much love and happiness. We hope anyone reading this blog can find their own personal path to recovery. We also hope to educate people about addiction/recovery from the view of a couple who has lived the journey. 

If you are an addict we want our story to give you hope, motivation, encouragement, and the realization that there is a better life out there for you. If you are someone who loves an addict we want our story to give you hope and insight into a relationship beyond active addiction. Sometimes we will post together and other times only one of us will post. If there are topics you would like us to cover please use the “contact us” form to tell us. 

This blog will walk you through the various parts of our story and journey of addiction and recovery. There is life after addiction and if you are suffering please reach out to a medical professional or loved one. People care about you and there is so much support and help if you’re willing to reach out.  

Please use the “contact us” form to reach out to us. We would love to hear your story, or answer any questions you might have about our blog. Please remember we are NOT medical professionals or therapists and NEVER claim to be professionals. We are simply a husband and wife who have dealt with active addiction and now recovery and want to share our story. 

Expect a new blog post on the first and third Monday of each month. If we ever miss our schedule a bit of grace would be appreciated, we have a busy life! Welcome to our blog and we hope to see you come back!