This might sound selfish but I did sometimes harbor bitterness towards Turbo. His addiction came before our marriage and family. During his rehab program, his rehab came before our marriage and family. Now, his on-going sobriety plans always come first. There are times I get frustrated that he gets hours away these days no matter what to work his sobriety program. His sobriety has to come before making dinner, helping get kids into bed, helping with homework, etc and while he pitches in when he can I am always aware that he needs to work his on-going program. 

Tonight was another night when our house was just off because of crazy schedules but Turbo had to leave when it was time. I got things together with the kids and tried to take some time to do something I enjoy and then I got an unexpected phone call. A family friend who is also in recovery called me tonight hysterically crying. I am not really the person he should have called but he could not reach Turbo and he needed help. His original mentor from his first home group had unfortunately accidentally overdosed and passed away. After calming him down, reminding him not to use/drink and convincing him to find a meeting we got off the phone but two things about our call really stuck with me. 

The first thing is this is a reality that could happen to my husband. He has the same disease as this person and is not immune to relapse. There is no guarantee that my husband would survive a relapse either and get a second chance, the person our friend called about did not get another chance. That person had multiple decades of sobriety and still managed to succumb to the disease of addiction. It was a good reminder for me that no matter how frustrating or inconvenient it is for me to make sure Turbo can fit his on-going recovery in our schedule, I need to do it. The same way Turbo cannot get complacent with his recovery/sobriety I cannot think he has been cured or outgrown his disease. So the small inconveniences are worth it if it means Turbo can continue his recovery from this disease. 

The second reality is how harsh addicts are judged. I understand the frustration with them first hand but when our friend called me tonight and told me why, it was another reality for me. Our friend said on the phone that I was the only person they could reach out to that would understand because “no one cares when an addict dies and no one understands being upset about an addict dying.” While I understand addicts have mothers, fathers, children, siblings, friends, etc that care about them, there is a lot of truth to what our friend said. Loved ones of addicts sometimes have to suffer in silence because of the stigma of addiction. 

We keep our struggles to ourselves or within protected circles because people judge us. We keep our sorrows and heartaches to ourselves because a lot of our feelings are dismissed or not understood. I’m so thankful for my husband’s dedication to his sobriety and his on-going programs. I am also aware that if he loses that dedication and focus then nothing stops our family from being another statistic. It would be so easy for our kids to lose their dad, and me to lose my husband. We also would not have much support because “he was just an addict.” I really hate the disease of addiction and I hate that more people do not understand it.  

My house will always be a safe place for Turbo. As of now he does not mind alcohol being in the house but if he ever said please get rid of it I would do it ASAP. I also do not typically plan to serve alcohol with holiday meals at our house. I will create some fun mocktails, but typically only offer soda, juice, and water. If I am ever elsewhere and expected to serve alcohol I always ask before pouring for someone and try to remember if someone says they do not drink. 

It is ultimately up to the addict to know their needs and limits but if I pick up on Turbo acting differently. I will ask him if he needs to hit a meeting, call some sober support, or if there is anything I can do for him. It is up to him to speak up and say yes but when he does I try to facilitate whatever support he needs at the moment. This can be switching places with him so I can take over a sport’s practice which allows him to attend a meeting. Giving him some time to step away and make a private phone call is also useful to him. If he decides he wants to talk to me I listen and try to minimize distractions so he feels heard. When he decided to become sober I committed myself to always supporting his sobriety and I think all of this goes along with supporting his sobriety and recovery. 

Turbo says some things to keep in mind if you’re an addict worried about relapse around the holiday are: 

• If an event, party, place, family, etc. is triggering you DO NOT have to attend. Some sober houses offer holiday get togethers and a sponsorship family could even put together a sober holiday party. 
• If you absolutely must attend a triggering event see if you can bring sober support. A sponsor, 12 step friend, IOP or rehab friend (assuming they are all sober) are great choices. 
• Always leave yourself a way out of a situation. A way out should be accessible and comfortable for you. You should never feel stuck in a triggering situation and if you do please immediately reach out for sober support. 
• Know your “safe sober people” and if you need to lean on them then do it immediately. Turbo uses the “sober safe people” when speaking about people who are aware he is in recovery and openly support it. This can be a friend, spouse, fellow person in recovery, etc. who happens to be at the same event. He says just knowing someone is in his corner can be a huge help.
• If you are a friend of a sober person respect their boundaries when they set them. I need to leave means they need to leave. I do not want to eat something that was cooked with alcohol means they don’t want to eat it, it does not matter if the alcohol was cooked out.