To be blunt living with an addict is pure H*LL. 

Thinking back on our relationship and marriage I saw warning signs of addiction in Turbo but I did not know that back then. During his active addiction life was frustrating for so many reasons. Due to him always being in an altered state of mind he never seemed to care about my feelings or needs but now I know he was just a selfish addict. I could never depend on him for anything and a lot of our day to day life and parenting fell all on me. This often frustrated me but I realized quickly for the safety of our children he could not be trusted alone with them. Turbo often blacked out and would go into fits of rage in which he would punch holes in the walls occasionally or say some of the most hurtful and nasty things to me. 

My anxiety was often out of control during Turbo’s active addiction. I was never sure which version of him was coming up the stairs and how he would act. I was hyper focused on trying to shield his toxic behavior from our children. There were many times his drunken antics in public would embarrass me. I was lucky enough to have a few good friends who really understood addiction during that time. Not everyone was understanding about addiction and plenty of people distanced themselves from me (us) because of Turbo’s behavior. I also started to distance myself from most people because it was easier that way. I would not have to explain his behavior or wonder who else would be offended or uncomfortable because of his drunk/high behavior. 

I spent a lot of time crying in the shower alone and wondering why my husband was so nasty to me. I started to question where I lacked as a wife and why I was not good enough for my husband. There were also times he blamed me for the reason he would drink/use and that really hurt. The times were not all bad but the bad times were terrible and the good times never lasted because he would always return to drinking/using. 

It is really lonely being with someone in active addiction. Even though you are not the addict your life almost revolves around their addiction. It’s not a healthy way of life or a life I would wish on anyone. When Turbo finally got help I did not think we would stay married. I wanted him to get help because he needed to get healthy and sober but I thought our relationship was beyond repair. I am really thankful his IOP therapist told me to just table everything for awhile and be his biggest cheerleader. 

The takeaways that I think might help people who are still living with addicts are:

1. Never ever take the actions of an addict personally. They have a disease and their actions are not logical or personal. I know a lot of their behavior feels like a personal attack but it is not. They’re just really that sick in the head because of their use/drinking. 

2. You do not have to put up with the actions of an addict. I know it is not easy to get up and leave but you can decide when/how/if you want to stay while they’re using/drinking.   

3. Understand that you can’t fix their addiction. Your best hope is having them deal with the consequences of their addiction and hopefully they will decide to get help. 

4. Take care of yourself (and children) the best you can if you’re with someone in active addiction. They are certainly doing everything to take care of themselves so make sure you prioritize your mental health and your physical health. 

5. Make sure you are safe. I do not want to tell anyone how to live their lives but do not get in a vehicle if someone who is not sober is driving and if you are being physically abused get help.  

I was about 14 or 15 the first time I started experimenting with drugs and alcohol. I started thinking it was just something fun to do with my friends. When my parents found out they yelled at me and grounded me but I didn’t care too much and that did not stop me from using and drinking. Looking back I think I was genetically predisposed to addiction and addict behavior was normalized for me so I am not sure my parent’s could have stopped me when they found out. A question I get asked even now is how can I prevent my child from becoming an addict and I do not have a good answer for that question. I also think some of my childhood traumas pushed me in the wrong direction. 

I continued using and drinking through my late teens, early twenties and then towards the end of my 20’s I noticed I was drinking a lot and I might have an issue. The problem was my disease was lying to me so I easily dismissed my addiction by comparing myself to others who I perceived as “worse” than me. I also justified my using and drinking by saying to myself that I am an adult and I deserve to relax after work. 

When I started dating Coco there were many times I tried to stop. I would successfully do it for a few days and sometimes even a week but I always went back to it. She was the first person I had been exposed to that had never had addiction normalized for her. I actually thought she was weird because her family, friends and her weren’t always drinking or using. There were quite a few times after we were married that she tried to speak to me about how I was out of control but I didn’t listen. She was the only person in my life who had ever approached me about having a problem and a lot of times I would gaslight her and tell her she had the problem. I started hiding my use and drinking from her and lying to her because it was easier than admitting the truth. At times when I tried to stop I would have anxiety because I realized that meant going without my alcohol and substances which was terrifying. My addict brain had me convinced I needed these substances to function and live. I unfortunately never saw how much I was hurting her and our family until I got clean and sober with a clear head. 

Fast forward to today I am thankful for her coming into my life. She held me accountable and had me hit my “rock bottom” which was a turning point for me. I’m thankful I am sober now for so many reasons. I feel better, I am still married to the woman I love, I still have my family, my life has changed for the better and I never thought it would be this good. Getting sober has increased my self-esteem and made me a better person. 

If you’re a fellow addict like I am and you are still suffering please know there is help out there for you. Putting in work and wanting it is all you need to do and a sober life is so much better. You’re not a bad person, you have a disease which has no cure but if you put in work and don’t use, there is a better life for you.

• Turbo