To be blunt living with an addict is pure H*LL. 

Thinking back on our relationship and marriage I saw warning signs of addiction in Turbo but I did not know that back then. During his active addiction life was frustrating for so many reasons. Due to him always being in an altered state of mind he never seemed to care about my feelings or needs but now I know he was just a selfish addict. I could never depend on him for anything and a lot of our day to day life and parenting fell all on me. This often frustrated me but I realized quickly for the safety of our children he could not be trusted alone with them. Turbo often blacked out and would go into fits of rage in which he would punch holes in the walls occasionally or say some of the most hurtful and nasty things to me. 

My anxiety was often out of control during Turbo’s active addiction. I was never sure which version of him was coming up the stairs and how he would act. I was hyper focused on trying to shield his toxic behavior from our children. There were many times his drunken antics in public would embarrass me. I was lucky enough to have a few good friends who really understood addiction during that time. Not everyone was understanding about addiction and plenty of people distanced themselves from me (us) because of Turbo’s behavior. I also started to distance myself from most people because it was easier that way. I would not have to explain his behavior or wonder who else would be offended or uncomfortable because of his drunk/high behavior. 

I spent a lot of time crying in the shower alone and wondering why my husband was so nasty to me. I started to question where I lacked as a wife and why I was not good enough for my husband. There were also times he blamed me for the reason he would drink/use and that really hurt. The times were not all bad but the bad times were terrible and the good times never lasted because he would always return to drinking/using. 

It is really lonely being with someone in active addiction. Even though you are not the addict your life almost revolves around their addiction. It’s not a healthy way of life or a life I would wish on anyone. When Turbo finally got help I did not think we would stay married. I wanted him to get help because he needed to get healthy and sober but I thought our relationship was beyond repair. I am really thankful his IOP therapist told me to just table everything for awhile and be his biggest cheerleader. 

The takeaways that I think might help people who are still living with addicts are:

1. Never ever take the actions of an addict personally. They have a disease and their actions are not logical or personal. I know a lot of their behavior feels like a personal attack but it is not. They’re just really that sick in the head because of their use/drinking. 

2. You do not have to put up with the actions of an addict. I know it is not easy to get up and leave but you can decide when/how/if you want to stay while they’re using/drinking.   

3. Understand that you can’t fix their addiction. Your best hope is having them deal with the consequences of their addiction and hopefully they will decide to get help. 

4. Take care of yourself (and children) the best you can if you’re with someone in active addiction. They are certainly doing everything to take care of themselves so make sure you prioritize your mental health and your physical health. 

5. Make sure you are safe. I do not want to tell anyone how to live their lives but do not get in a vehicle if someone who is not sober is driving and if you are being physically abused get help.  

We think an appropriate place to start is where we are now. Looking back it is amazing we made it “here” because there were a lot of times both of us wanted to give up. We were often told addiction is a family disease but I do not think either of us understood what that meant. Everyone close to a person in active addiction suffers and everyone also needs to heal from the addiction. 

Today, things are not perfect but they are better than either of us thought possible. There is life after addiction, there is even a stronger relationship after addiction, and for us there is so much love and happiness. We hope anyone reading this blog can find their own personal path to recovery. We also hope to educate people about addiction/recovery from the view of a couple who has lived the journey. 

If you are an addict we want our story to give you hope, motivation, encouragement, and the realization that there is a better life out there for you. If you are someone who loves an addict we want our story to give you hope and insight into a relationship beyond active addiction. Sometimes we will post together and other times only one of us will post. If there are topics you would like us to cover please use the “contact us” form to tell us. 

This blog will walk you through the various parts of our story and journey of addiction and recovery. There is life after addiction and if you are suffering please reach out to a medical professional or loved one. People care about you and there is so much support and help if you’re willing to reach out.  

Please use the “contact us” form to reach out to us. We would love to hear your story, or answer any questions you might have about our blog. Please remember we are NOT medical professionals or therapists and NEVER claim to be professionals. We are simply a husband and wife who have dealt with active addiction and now recovery and want to share our story. 

Expect a new blog post on the first and third Monday of each month. If we ever miss our schedule a bit of grace would be appreciated, we have a busy life! Welcome to our blog and we hope to see you come back!