The holiday season was a nightmare for me when Turbo was in his active addiction phase. I desperately tried to make the holidays nice for our children and usually Turbo would show up drunk and/or high to ruin everything. No matter how much planning and communication I put into the holidays, his addiction ruined it. For a couple years of holidays I was going through the motions to fake it enough for our children but I could not wait for the holidays to be over. Turbo got sober in May of 2020 and I was over attempting to have magical holidays. I sulked through the motions over another holiday and was thankful they weren’t as miserable as they had been in the past years. 

Fast-forward to the holiday season of 2022 and I fully understand what focusing on the here and now means. This year the holiday season was wonderful because of Turbo’s sobriety. We enjoyed things that were a nightmare before such as cooking together, looking at winter lights, wrapping presents, sitting together for meals, laughing together, and just enjoying the days. 

I could be bitter and annoyed and focus on the past holidays. They were miserable and I was so hurt but this holiday was better because he is sober. This holiday was better because he is working on his recovery and using the tools he received in his IOP. This holiday is the one I want to remember because I enjoyed it and I will choose to focus on it, not the holidays in the past. I find it hard sometimes but very necessary to be mindful about the present situation I am in with Turbo. I see his changed behavior and recognize his commitment to sobriety.

I knew deep down I was an addict before I hit rock bottom. I had lied to myself thinking I could control my drinking/using substances. In addition to that I would compare myself to addicts who treated their family worse or appeared worse off than me and rationalize my drinking/using with that comparison. Rock bottom for me was not an overdose and it was not actually losing everything, it was almost losing everything. 

A few things lead to me getting treatment and my desire for a sober life. Coco had begged me to get help for awhile and I ignored her each time or lied to her each time. The moment I hit rock bottom was when she told me our marriage was over. Looking back on that time now I was headed straight for a rock bottom which might have meant losing my life. No matter what happens in the future I will always be thankful to Coco because without her I would not have started my sober life. The lowest moment for me was hearing the recording Coco had made when I blacked out. I can honestly say without hearing myself and the realization I sounded just like my abusive step-dad, sobriety would not have happened for me. 

Rock bottom for me felt like defeat and was one of the most depressing places I have ever been in life. Once I started getting help for my issues and dealing with them I was able to get out of that dark place mentally and emotionally. 

If you’re reading this as an active addict there is help out there for you. You just need to reach out for help and be willing to do some work. It might seem overwhelming but there are people who care about you and will help you into a sober life. 

If you’re someone who loves someone in active addiction just know this is not your fault. Create boundaries with the active addict in your life for your own safety and sanity. Most importantly know the toxic behavior and treatment you have received is not something you should take personally. Coco had to learn over months that my treatment of her unfortunately came from my low self-esteem and my issues. She did nothing to deserve the treatment and neither did you. 

To be blunt living with an addict is pure H*LL. 

Thinking back on our relationship and marriage I saw warning signs of addiction in Turbo but I did not know that back then. During his active addiction life was frustrating for so many reasons. Due to him always being in an altered state of mind he never seemed to care about my feelings or needs but now I know he was just a selfish addict. I could never depend on him for anything and a lot of our day to day life and parenting fell all on me. This often frustrated me but I realized quickly for the safety of our children he could not be trusted alone with them. Turbo often blacked out and would go into fits of rage in which he would punch holes in the walls occasionally or say some of the most hurtful and nasty things to me. 

My anxiety was often out of control during Turbo’s active addiction. I was never sure which version of him was coming up the stairs and how he would act. I was hyper focused on trying to shield his toxic behavior from our children. There were many times his drunken antics in public would embarrass me. I was lucky enough to have a few good friends who really understood addiction during that time. Not everyone was understanding about addiction and plenty of people distanced themselves from me (us) because of Turbo’s behavior. I also started to distance myself from most people because it was easier that way. I would not have to explain his behavior or wonder who else would be offended or uncomfortable because of his drunk/high behavior. 

I spent a lot of time crying in the shower alone and wondering why my husband was so nasty to me. I started to question where I lacked as a wife and why I was not good enough for my husband. There were also times he blamed me for the reason he would drink/use and that really hurt. The times were not all bad but the bad times were terrible and the good times never lasted because he would always return to drinking/using. 

It is really lonely being with someone in active addiction. Even though you are not the addict your life almost revolves around their addiction. It’s not a healthy way of life or a life I would wish on anyone. When Turbo finally got help I did not think we would stay married. I wanted him to get help because he needed to get healthy and sober but I thought our relationship was beyond repair. I am really thankful his IOP therapist told me to just table everything for awhile and be his biggest cheerleader. 

The takeaways that I think might help people who are still living with addicts are:

1. Never ever take the actions of an addict personally. They have a disease and their actions are not logical or personal. I know a lot of their behavior feels like a personal attack but it is not. They’re just really that sick in the head because of their use/drinking. 

2. You do not have to put up with the actions of an addict. I know it is not easy to get up and leave but you can decide when/how/if you want to stay while they’re using/drinking.   

3. Understand that you can’t fix their addiction. Your best hope is having them deal with the consequences of their addiction and hopefully they will decide to get help. 

4. Take care of yourself (and children) the best you can if you’re with someone in active addiction. They are certainly doing everything to take care of themselves so make sure you prioritize your mental health and your physical health. 

5. Make sure you are safe. I do not want to tell anyone how to live their lives but do not get in a vehicle if someone who is not sober is driving and if you are being physically abused get help.  

In the early days I did drink with him. I was fairly naive about the world and did not realize what was going on with Turbo. In my mind addicts did not have jobs, cars, a place to live, a career, etc. I am embarrassed to admit this but I thought addicts were only people who lived under bridges or in homeless tent cities. My marriage eventually gave me a reality check. 

I was raised in a fairly sheltered world of private schools, limited exposure to pop culture, and I was hyper focused on doing the right thing which meant staying away from drugs. The only addicts I was ever exposed to were the ones who had already ruined their lives or hit bottom. That led me to be blind to people who were functioning addicts or addicts in the early/middle stages of addiction. My parents also never had “real” chats with me about addiction, how it happened, how to spot it, etc. I don’t blame them for that because I am not even sure they knew the realities of addiction. Some people ask if I would have figured it out if we had dated longer and the real answer is no, because I did not know what I was looking at and never would have learned if I had not lived it.

Thinking back I cannot point to a moment when I realized “my husband is an addict.” There were many things over the years that happened such as; hiding alcohol, lying about substance use, blackouts which led to him gas lighting me, his manipulative behavior, his lying, and his unwillingness to stop using substances/stop drinking. 

Looking back maybe if I was better at setting boundaries I would have realized more red flags but I cannot drive myself crazy focusing on could have and should have moments. I have also learned to focus on the fact that addiction is a disease. My husband has a disease and the symptoms of that disease can easily cause issues in relationships. 

I am thankful today that we have been able to get to a place of healing and recovery. It was not easy and it is not always easy because dealing with someone in active addiction is miserable.

• Coco

We think an appropriate place to start is where we are now. Looking back it is amazing we made it “here” because there were a lot of times both of us wanted to give up. We were often told addiction is a family disease but I do not think either of us understood what that meant. Everyone close to a person in active addiction suffers and everyone also needs to heal from the addiction. 

Today, things are not perfect but they are better than either of us thought possible. There is life after addiction, there is even a stronger relationship after addiction, and for us there is so much love and happiness. We hope anyone reading this blog can find their own personal path to recovery. We also hope to educate people about addiction/recovery from the view of a couple who has lived the journey. 

If you are an addict we want our story to give you hope, motivation, encouragement, and the realization that there is a better life out there for you. If you are someone who loves an addict we want our story to give you hope and insight into a relationship beyond active addiction. Sometimes we will post together and other times only one of us will post. If there are topics you would like us to cover please use the “contact us” form to tell us. 

This blog will walk you through the various parts of our story and journey of addiction and recovery. There is life after addiction and if you are suffering please reach out to a medical professional or loved one. People care about you and there is so much support and help if you’re willing to reach out.  

Please use the “contact us” form to reach out to us. We would love to hear your story, or answer any questions you might have about our blog. Please remember we are NOT medical professionals or therapists and NEVER claim to be professionals. We are simply a husband and wife who have dealt with active addiction and now recovery and want to share our story. 

Expect a new blog post on the first and third Monday of each month. If we ever miss our schedule a bit of grace would be appreciated, we have a busy life! Welcome to our blog and we hope to see you come back!