The holiday season was a nightmare for me when Turbo was in his active addiction phase. I desperately tried to make the holidays nice for our children and usually Turbo would show up drunk and/or high to ruin everything. No matter how much planning and communication I put into the holidays, his addiction ruined it. For a couple years of holidays I was going through the motions to fake it enough for our children but I could not wait for the holidays to be over. Turbo got sober in May of 2020 and I was over attempting to have magical holidays. I sulked through the motions over another holiday and was thankful they weren’t as miserable as they had been in the past years. 

Fast-forward to the holiday season of 2022 and I fully understand what focusing on the here and now means. This year the holiday season was wonderful because of Turbo’s sobriety. We enjoyed things that were a nightmare before such as cooking together, looking at winter lights, wrapping presents, sitting together for meals, laughing together, and just enjoying the days. 

I could be bitter and annoyed and focus on the past holidays. They were miserable and I was so hurt but this holiday was better because he is sober. This holiday was better because he is working on his recovery and using the tools he received in his IOP. This holiday is the one I want to remember because I enjoyed it and I will choose to focus on it, not the holidays in the past. I find it hard sometimes but very necessary to be mindful about the present situation I am in with Turbo. I see his changed behavior and recognize his commitment to sobriety.

Last warning before possible spoilers. 

Maid is a show on Netflix about a woman named Alex who is trying to flee her abusive, alcoholic significant other, Sean. Alex and Sean share a daughter, Maddy, and Alex is financially dependent on Sean. Alex leaving with Maddy is complicated by multiple issues; no supportive family or friends, very low funds, lack of government assistance, and the court system not understanding Sean’s abuse of Alex and alcohol. 

Watching the TV show Maid was very triggering for me. Everyone’s relationship with an addict spouse is different but I could relate to quite a few things in the show. The first being the lack of a supportive family to run to when things got bad. My family is not unsupportive per se but they were clueless about the realities of addiction so if I had left my family would have accused me of being dramatic. Alex had a different situation than I did but my point is, not everyone has a support system to help them escape. 

The fear of leaving because of a child is also very real. As we saw in the first few episodes Alex actually lost Maddy to Sean through the courts. I have spoken to so many women who stay with an addict because of their children. They do not think a two parent household is better for a child but they are terrified of a child being sent for unsupervised visitation with an addict. It is extremely hard to collect proof of what addicts have done sometimes and even if we collected proof, it might be allowed in court. 

The gaslighting and confusion if you are not being physically abused is hard to explain. When Alex went to the shelter she was almost unsure if what she was going through was abuse. I could really relate to the confusion about abuse. When I hit my end point with Turbo I was confused about how I was being treated. The gaslighting had me questioning my version and interpretation of events that had happened while he was raging. The fact that he was able to hide the terrible behavior from our friends also had me confused about his treatment of me. On the outside Turbo was a great father and caring husband who would never hurt anyone. His version of events were slightly believed by my friends and I would hear my friend play devil’s advocate when I would explain how I was treated. Emotional abuse is also hard to prove in court so I often wondered how I would explain to anyone what I had been going through for years. Even after sobriety people often wonder how I did not see the signs or why I put up with it for so long. The judgment even after you leave or after the person gets sober can be hard to deal with for some people. 

Another issue that hit home was the mutual friends and neutral friends. I understand that my friends do not have the responsibility to mediate fights but it is rough when none of them take your abusive situation seriously. When Alex’s friends said there were two sides to every story that is typically true but not when addiction/alcoholism is involved. The addict’s version of events is usually not true because their memory is questionable and they will always spin a story that puts them in the best light possible. It is even more lonely when people treat you this way because you feel even more isolated with your abuser. 

In the show, Maddy’s birthday party also hit home for me. When you try to do something nice or fun for your child, or you find yourself in a slightly better position in life. The addict/alcoholic always manages to ruin it. It hurt when I saw Alex get evicted from a beautiful and affordable place because of Sean’s actions, I cried for her. There were so many times Turbo emptied our savings or damaged something of mine because he was drunk/high. There were so many days that I initially looked forward to such as birthdays, holidays and trips that he managed to ruin. 

In the end Alex is able to leave and head to better days and a brighter future for herself and her daughter. Sean has also realized his alcoholism is damaging to Maddy and signs over custody to Alex. I found this a bit unbelievable because addicts/alcoholics rarely admit when they are wrong and rarely admit they have a problem. I think maybe, Sean’s “rock bottom” was possibly endangering his daughter but after everything Alex had been through it seemed almost too easy in the end. 

I wish there was a second season of the show because getting away from the addict does not fix everything overnight. The addict getting sober also does not fix everything overnight. I would be interested to see the character of Alex grow and deal with the trauma that she had endured for years. I also wonder how the abuse Maddy witnessed impacted her. 

This show is wonderful and I hope it makes people more aware of addiction and abuse. I will warn anyone who has dealt with addiction that this is a very hard show to watch. 

Love,

Turbo and Coco

To be blunt living with an addict is pure H*LL. 

Thinking back on our relationship and marriage I saw warning signs of addiction in Turbo but I did not know that back then. During his active addiction life was frustrating for so many reasons. Due to him always being in an altered state of mind he never seemed to care about my feelings or needs but now I know he was just a selfish addict. I could never depend on him for anything and a lot of our day to day life and parenting fell all on me. This often frustrated me but I realized quickly for the safety of our children he could not be trusted alone with them. Turbo often blacked out and would go into fits of rage in which he would punch holes in the walls occasionally or say some of the most hurtful and nasty things to me. 

My anxiety was often out of control during Turbo’s active addiction. I was never sure which version of him was coming up the stairs and how he would act. I was hyper focused on trying to shield his toxic behavior from our children. There were many times his drunken antics in public would embarrass me. I was lucky enough to have a few good friends who really understood addiction during that time. Not everyone was understanding about addiction and plenty of people distanced themselves from me (us) because of Turbo’s behavior. I also started to distance myself from most people because it was easier that way. I would not have to explain his behavior or wonder who else would be offended or uncomfortable because of his drunk/high behavior. 

I spent a lot of time crying in the shower alone and wondering why my husband was so nasty to me. I started to question where I lacked as a wife and why I was not good enough for my husband. There were also times he blamed me for the reason he would drink/use and that really hurt. The times were not all bad but the bad times were terrible and the good times never lasted because he would always return to drinking/using. 

It is really lonely being with someone in active addiction. Even though you are not the addict your life almost revolves around their addiction. It’s not a healthy way of life or a life I would wish on anyone. When Turbo finally got help I did not think we would stay married. I wanted him to get help because he needed to get healthy and sober but I thought our relationship was beyond repair. I am really thankful his IOP therapist told me to just table everything for awhile and be his biggest cheerleader. 

The takeaways that I think might help people who are still living with addicts are:

1. Never ever take the actions of an addict personally. They have a disease and their actions are not logical or personal. I know a lot of their behavior feels like a personal attack but it is not. They’re just really that sick in the head because of their use/drinking. 

2. You do not have to put up with the actions of an addict. I know it is not easy to get up and leave but you can decide when/how/if you want to stay while they’re using/drinking.   

3. Understand that you can’t fix their addiction. Your best hope is having them deal with the consequences of their addiction and hopefully they will decide to get help. 

4. Take care of yourself (and children) the best you can if you’re with someone in active addiction. They are certainly doing everything to take care of themselves so make sure you prioritize your mental health and your physical health. 

5. Make sure you are safe. I do not want to tell anyone how to live their lives but do not get in a vehicle if someone who is not sober is driving and if you are being physically abused get help.  

We think an appropriate place to start is where we are now. Looking back it is amazing we made it “here” because there were a lot of times both of us wanted to give up. We were often told addiction is a family disease but I do not think either of us understood what that meant. Everyone close to a person in active addiction suffers and everyone also needs to heal from the addiction. 

Today, things are not perfect but they are better than either of us thought possible. There is life after addiction, there is even a stronger relationship after addiction, and for us there is so much love and happiness. We hope anyone reading this blog can find their own personal path to recovery. We also hope to educate people about addiction/recovery from the view of a couple who has lived the journey. 

If you are an addict we want our story to give you hope, motivation, encouragement, and the realization that there is a better life out there for you. If you are someone who loves an addict we want our story to give you hope and insight into a relationship beyond active addiction. Sometimes we will post together and other times only one of us will post. If there are topics you would like us to cover please use the “contact us” form to tell us. 

This blog will walk you through the various parts of our story and journey of addiction and recovery. There is life after addiction and if you are suffering please reach out to a medical professional or loved one. People care about you and there is so much support and help if you’re willing to reach out.  

Please use the “contact us” form to reach out to us. We would love to hear your story, or answer any questions you might have about our blog. Please remember we are NOT medical professionals or therapists and NEVER claim to be professionals. We are simply a husband and wife who have dealt with active addiction and now recovery and want to share our story. 

Expect a new blog post on the first and third Monday of each month. If we ever miss our schedule a bit of grace would be appreciated, we have a busy life! Welcome to our blog and we hope to see you come back!